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February 10, 2005

Like A Pimp
Did I ever tell you dudes about Elizabeth, the first chick I ever loved. Although, I doubt if you could call it love. She was thirteen, and I was 43. Just kidding. Ha-Ha. If this is the FBI reading this shit, that was a joke. I was joking. I was really 30. HO. I'm joking again. Please don't come to my house at 5 in the morning and take me out in handcuffs. I was joking. It was a kid. I was kidding. Har-Har. The truth is that we were both young, she 13, and I, 14. She was the first girl I ever loved, and the first one to ever break my heart, in that really bad female way.

And then, right here, in this second paragraph, I was going to tell you all the cool things we did together, and how it hurt so bad when we broke up, especially how we broke up. And I planned on linking this to my continued dysfuntional relationship with women. But the moment has passed. Now, I don't really feel like pouring my heart out. Although, I will tell you that our breakup included her ripping the jacket off my back and stomping on it at a bus stop. And my glasses were inside my coat pocket at the time. So, on that day, she not only broke my heart, she also broke my glasses, my 200 dollar glasses. And when I got home, my mother ended up breaking my ass.

Funny shit. I can't remember one positive overall experience I've ever had with a woman, not even my mother. I think I actually dislike every chick I've ever dated. I'm not cool with one of them. And that's a really fucked up track record. I need to change that shit. I think it has to do with the type of women I attract. It's possible that I'm so fucked up I attract chicks that will eventually shit on me, like one of those women that always finds dudes that'll cheat on them, or beat them up. I think that's me. In fact, I know that's me. I'm a weak dude. That's why I need overbearing strong women. I need chicks that'll make sure I get fed and clothed, and will loud talk me down into dirt, afterwards. I think I've mentioned that before.

I don't think you can get passed that, mentioning shit over and over again. There's only so much a person can write about before things start becoming repetitive. You know, like deja vu. They say most writers only have a small finite set of ideas, and that they go through them over and over again in every piece of work they do. I guess that's why Stephen King writes horror, and that James L. Patterson dude writes crap. King might be working through some shit that happened long ago through horrific images and events. And Patterson is just working through crap. But it's the same thing. I guess that's what I'm doing with this shit here, each entry is like some piece of therapy on my road to recovery. Ha. Bullshit. But let's stick with that for the time being.

Getting back to the session: girls. I need to change my approach to girls. I was watching some shit with Nick Cannon and Christina Milian. It was called something like Love Ain't a Thang, or What's Love with the Thang and the ding-a-lang, some shit like that. I can't recall. But Nick Cannon, who's playing a nerd, pays Christina Milian to be his girl. By hanging with her, he becomes popular, and he grows a big head (on his neck) (on his shoulders). She tells him that to keep a girl, you gotta treat her like shit. That's the only way beyotches will respect a man. And he listens to her, and eventually starts treating her like shit. And guess what happens. 30 year old chicks playing teenagers with big titties start pushing up on him, and Christina Milian starts to fall in love with him. The more Cannon treats Milian like shit, the more respect he gets from his crew, the more ass he gets, and the more Christina Milian starts falling for his nerd ass. And I'm thinking, that shit is like real life. Ding!

The reason why Tupac and Biggie and 50 get beyotches on top of beyotches is straight up because they treat beyotches like shit. They call women beyotches. Snoop even raps about fuckin up beyotches in his song. Like they say, beyotches ain't shit but hos and tricks. And the more you treat a beyotch like a ho and trick, the more hos and tricks a pimp gon' get. That shit is magic. Like Biggie says, Mo Money, Mo' problems. Mo' beyotches, mo tricks. The more you treat a woman like a beyotch, the more ho'in and trickin' a pimp gon' get. That shit is science. And I've been doing this shit wrong all along.

That's why starting tomorrow, I'm smacking the shit out of every woman I come across. Whether on a bus, or on a plane, walking down the street, or where the hos go to eat, I'm smackin' a beyotch. Pretty soon I'll have smacked all the beyotches in the metro area and I won't have enough arms and hands to hold the hoes back. Sure, this might lead to me losing my job, maybe getting peppered-sprayed, possibly kicked in the balls, but that's the price a pimp gotta pay to get maximum ass. And I'm all about maximum ass.
posted by Doc Savage | Link |

Blogger intrudah said...

haha it's true..all the "players" I know are ussually assholes to women and they love it.

4:23 PM  

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